


Light of Life

by BlackVelvet42



Series: End of the Rope [3]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Dubious Consent, F/M, Ghost Chakotay, Ghost Sex, Haunting, Hurt/Comfort, Porn with Feelings, love is stronger than death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 09:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVelvet42/pseuds/BlackVelvet42
Summary: "You have nothing to fear, my love. I’m here.I’ll always be here."





	Light of Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [devovere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/devovere/gifts).



> Devovere said sequel, but I heard: "BV, you HAVE TO write ghost sex!" ;)
> 
> Thank you so much devovere, for everything. The idea, the encouragement, the beta<3

* * *

 

 

He found her in the middle of chaos.

She was afraid.

No. She was… terrified.

Her heart fluttered like a caged little bird, and her mind churned, desperate and wild, running in circles seeking a solution while knowing there was none.

There were others nearby, alert like she was, but compared to her they were faint, insignificant. They didn’t call out to him like she did.

Then a realization of some horrible mistake surged through her veins, the chill of a loss too personal, too devastating to grasp at once, freezing her to the bone.

He touched her palm and watched her fingers close around emptiness, her thoughts drawn to his presence. A spark of hope flickering to life in her chest.

Silly.

She should have had more faith.

_You have nothing to fear, my love. I’m here._

_I’ll always be here._

 

∞

 

She didn’t appreciate being disturbed on the bridge. He learned that very early on.

Her energy was sharp and focused there, her thoughts working simultaneously on details too numerous for him to follow. Sorting, labeling, categorizing. Into a whole, a plan, a decision.

He never quite understood how that small room and the people there could play such a crucial role in her existence, defining who she was and how she was meant to spend her time, but over the years he accepted it was an inseparable part of her.

Usually, he stayed close to her, right behind her left shoulder. Guiding her, advising her, whispering confirming, validating words.

In reality, the answers were already inside her. She just easily doubted herself and needed to be reminded of how brave and wise she was.

And how magnificent.

Her sheer presence radiated authority and command, creating an air of leadership and care and a certainty that no one under her protection would have to worry because she was there to look after everything and everyone.

No, he never interrupted her when she was concentrating on tasks she valued in her place of utmost importance. He was content simply to watch her, enjoying the indigo shades of responsibility glimmering in and around her, gloriously vivid and alive.

However, there were other moments when she sat in her chair, browsing through information without urgency or interest. If her thoughts weren’t engaged and busy, they started to wander—and frequently drifted to him.

That was his call, his beacon in this endless night, shining more brightly than anything else in the universe.

Her head filled with images of a man he knew had been him, many of them lifting her mood and bringing upon her a warm, golden glow. He didn’t recognize those pictures and scenes himself, but still, he observed and smiled with her, delighted that he would mean as much to her as she did to him.

Too often though, her mind brought up different kinds of recollections. Inked with guilt, smudged with sorrow, leading her to a bottomless spiral of paths she could have, should have chosen.

Why was she so hard on herself?

To him, she was flawless. The situation she kept revisiting, replaying in her mind—the chaos when they had first met—must have been impossibly difficult; the decision she so regretted now must have been the best she or anyone could have done in those circumstances.

He was sure of it.

Repeatedly, he told her, wishing to erase her needless pain. He murmured next to her ear how perfect she was and how there was no need for such harsh criticism, but she was so stubborn. Despite the relief she found in his words, a while later her thoughts were right back in the shadows, devouring her light.

In those quiet, idle hours, he occasionally dared to make contact.

He would stroke her arm or the back of her hand and watch how she rubbed the same spot herself, glancing around, confused and distracted.

Sometimes he even spoke her name, so softly the sound was on the threshold of perception, blending into the hum of the engines.

_Kathryn._

In response to his voice, her awareness rushed to him, and their renewed connection overflowed him with delight.

Long ago, there had been others who had called him much like she did. People he had known, who had meant something to him, and to whom he had meant something in return.

Whenever they thought of him, a variety of colors would flash in the darkness and draw him near. So many of them were sad, in desperate need of consolation. His visits seemed to ease their suffering, and he did his best to attend to them all.

Over time they had faded, one by one dropping out of his radar and turning into nameless shadows he could not recall or reach anymore. Along with the withering signals, his world turned black and hollow.

Only one light remained.

Her.

The focal point of his existence.

Her enduring attention sustained him, her closeness made him infinitely happy. After the others had vanished, he rarely wandered far from her, and where would he have gone, really, when she was his everything?

When she left the bridge after duty, he trailed behind her, quietly keeping her company as she went on with her routines.

While she met with others, mingling and interacting with them, she glowed warm amber. When she worked with her hands, the emerald of peaceful productivity stole over her. If she withdrew to read in the silence of her quarters, she relaxed into a pale blue shimmer.

Wherever she went, whatever she did, her colors kept him close by her side, patient and abiding in his adoration, waiting for the moment he cherished most.

The moment she fell asleep.

Awake, her consciousness was governed by the cognizant part of her brain, but while it was creative and sharp, it was also a burden to her and a barrier to their togetherness.

It incessantly analyzed her actions and evaluated her choices, criticizing her and making her feel she wasn’t enough, forcing up memories that brought her pain—and it was too rational to acknowledge him.

Asleep, she was free of those chains.

At the end of the day, she would lie down on her bed and her awareness would depart, leaving her spirit floating unfettered, clear like crystal. She would see him and smile, and her velvety voice would tell him again how much she had missed him.

Every night, they had lengthy discussions. She spoke about her day, people and chores unfamiliar to him, explained her ideas and shared her memories, and he drank in each word.

She was open and trusting in a way she never was during the days, welcoming his closeness with enthusiasm. Letting him touch her without restrictions.  

In dream, he didn’t have to settle for a graze of a hand on the armrest of her command chair or a brush down her spine when she waited for the transporter beam to take her.

A kiss on her mouth and her lips would part.

A caress through her hair and she would shiver.

A weight on her belly and her pulse would speed up.

She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and the way she responded to him, letting out a trembling sigh when he invaded her mind, nourished him and made him strong.

Pouring pleasant images and sensations into her, he watched how her breathing turned heavy and irregular, a flush of arousal and a sheen of sweat gathering over her skin, bringing her whole being into crimson shine.

Between her thighs, the glow was more demanding than anywhere else. And that was where he concentrated his efforts.

She swelled and throbbed, moist and tight, aching for more than he was capable of offering, but when he focused his energy and held it there, he was always rewarded.

The tension grew under his touch, steady and sure, fueled by the fantasy flickering behind her lids, until her frail body couldn’t contain the pressure anymore.

She gripped the sheets, and her body arched up from the bed as her aura burst into a blaze, her pleasure sparkling around her like an explosion of rubies long after the high had passed.

In her bliss, her mind chanted one word over and over again, a word he had come to associate with their connection.

_Chakotay._

Uttered with gratitude and longing, the word gave him peace and reassurance. He had made her happy once again and could now give her tired, sated soul the rest it needed to replenish for a new day.

His deepest wish was to create this link with her when she was awake, but his struggles for even much lesser contacts often went to waste, making her only suspicious and guarded. Her consciousness was simply not ready to accept him yet.

And then, completely out of the blue, she made that contact herself.

Her thoughts were blurred, intoxicated by the steaming water she was soaking in and the liquid she had consumed, but summoning him all the same.

Her fingers were pressed against her soft, swollen flesh, their languid moves fed by a specific scene she seemed to find satisfying.

A moonlit meadow, her blue dress discarded on the grass. Her lips covered with his kisses, her body trembling under his.

He greeted her eagerly with a touch and a whisper, thrilled that she had finally decided to approach him in such a direct and intimate manner.

She tensed, unsure what she had heard.

_Yes, I’m here, Kathryn._

Her hand stopped and retreated, instantly alarmed, and she scanned the room as if expecting to see someone.

Hoping to alleviate her unease, he enveloped her in his affection, caressing her from head to toe in a continuous wave of tenderness.

She gasped, electrified, but instead of the delight he had learned resulted from his gifts, her being turned hesitant and insecure.

_I only want to be near you._

A multitude of shades danced within her. Doubt, fright, arousal, and joy. All competing for dominance, so he went on.

Next, he brought his whole presence upon her, wanting her to feel his power and desire, needing to show her exactly what he could be to her.

Her eyes shot open, breath caught in her lungs, frozen where she was.

_Please, let me love you. Let me in._

Pushing on her outer limits with his force and will, her weakened resistance broke down and he slowly sank into her, beneath her skin, beneath her remaining shields keeping them apart.

After waiting for so long and almost giving up any hope, his dream had suddenly come true.

They were merged into one.

Inside, he stilled in awe. The essence of her, vivid in all beautiful detail, overwhelmed him.

The pounding of her heart drummed loud and fast, the soothing murmur of her blood in the background. Her thoughts echoing his own amazement and shock.

Craving to feel her thoroughly without delay, he flew along nerves and veins, exploring each muscle and bone, permeating every particle, singing out his undying devotion.

She was all he had dreamed and all he would ever need, the source of light and life. His salvation, his home for an eternity.

He would make her so happy.

Hurrying to the point of her pleasure, he intertwined with the nerves and tissue there and began adding pressure and heat. Her moans came short and choked, almost tormented, the sensations more intense given from inside her.

Pumping and pulsing, he rushed her towards completion until she writhed in the water, clutching the edge of the tub with her head thrown back, and hit orgasm in a hot flash crying out at the top of her lungs.

Her climax was glorious, more powerful than ever before, and her scream vibrated throughout her cells as the sweetest music he could imagine. Still, her release wasn’t followed by the splendor of her satisfaction.

Instead, she was coated with dread and repulsion.

The second her peak had passed, she sobered and began to resist his closeness with all her resolve. She darted up from the water, clawing her wet skin, cursing between her horrified sobs.

Too stunned to object, he relinquished his hold on her and let her drive him away. Out of her body, out of her consciousness, out of the only place he truly belonged.

He couldn’t understand her reaction, how his heaven could not be hers as well. Inside her, their thoughts and passion were shared, and with their unique qualities combined, who knew what they could accomplish?

Nevertheless, she was precious to him. His life, his peace. If she preferred him to stay by her side, he would comply. Her needs would always come first.

After that experience, though, everything changed.

She became reserved and cautious, calling to him less often or suppressing her signals, like she was trying to protect herself or hide from him.

He tried to talk to her, but she closed into a shell.

He tried to touch her, but she walked away.

Eventually, her sleep became clouded with a chemical she pressed into her blood every evening, stealing from him the single space where she had previously welcomed him with open arms.

Why would she not want him anymore?

Not much later came another being to her proximity. A man, lingering by her side longer than anyone else.

It was a man he vaguely recalled as someone familiar, someone once of importance to him.

The first time that man kissed her lips and held her close, kindling in her a flame only he had ever been capable of, he used all his power to separate them.

He flooded her with visions reminding her of him, of them, and whispered frantic words of his eternal, unconditional love.

She heard him and wavered, pulling back from the embrace, and he was certain he had succeeded.

But the man was persistent and reached out to her again, and the flare he had ignited in her grew into an inferno to which she willingly succumbed, hungry to seek fulfillment with another.

At her peak, for one horrible fleeting moment, she was lost to him.

With the strength brought forth by her pleasure, she let go of the guilt and regret she had carried for as long as he had known her, forgot the pain and memories ultimately binding her to him.

After their joining, he noticed a pale green thread connecting her to this man. Transparent and faint, barely there, almost suffocated by the surrounding darkness.

He didn’t think much of it. She had similar connections to many entities nearby.

However, contrary to those other ties, every time the man visited and brightened her soul, there emerged a new thread. Each one deeper and more enduring than the last, adding a new color to the link between them, blending together into a brilliant spectrum of light.

They had no awareness of these strings sparkling like diamonds in the sun, but he observed, restless about the profound meaning they held.

With their bond growing stronger, her signal for him weakened. Her thoughts no longer wandered to him in her free hours or late at night. Instead, she became preoccupied with images strange to him.

Heated, intense, hopeful. Extending into a future he was not a part of.

And then one day, she called him no more.

He didn't know what to do, where to go. Without her, he was lost, incomplete.

Convinced he could still change this fate and bring her back to him, he rushed to search for her.

He flew through every room, corridor, and conduit, only to realize she had truly turned as dim as the others and he couldn’t recognize her anymore. Without a goodbye, she had transformed into another nameless, faceless shadow in the vast darkness.

Blind and alone in the universe, without an anchor or purpose or a target for his devotion, his being began to disintegrate.

Briefly, he wondered if it should mean something to him, if there should be something left in him. Anger, sorrow, regret, or maybe a will to fight—but there was only emptiness.

Bit by bit, his essence dissolved, scattered into nothingness.

All he had been, all he had become.

A love, a memory, a man.

Slowly, inevitably.

Gone.

 

∞


End file.
